Back in Action

April Fools suckas. I gotcha, see I haven't posted since March and most of you thought I quit, na, I was just joshing with ya. SIKE, I have been pretty busy, but no more excuses. I will update at least once a week. I promise (Rachel), I can find 20-30 minutes in my day to have diareha of the mouth that I can send via the web.

So much to catch up on. The past couple of weeks a lot has gone on. A mutual friend of mine is in the process of writing a book. I have met her a couple of times, but damn she is freaking hilarious. If you wanna read the rest of the chapters, just e-mail me, she is strikingly similar to my style and I like it. Here are a couple of clips (iannavarr@gmail.com)

I love my friends. However, I do not like the majority of girls. I feel like there are 75% of douchebag girls who make the entire race look bad. I would like to dedicate this chapter as a big F YOU to all the girls to whom I blame a lot of my dating mishaps on. I am not saying that I didn't deserve some of the things that happened to me, but I also think that guys assume a lot of girls are the same... and by the same I mean clingy, annoying, needy, and whiny. I'd also like to explain why I chose "douchebag." First of all, douchebag is one of my favorite words. But honestly, I just cannot think of a better word to describe these females. They aren't necessarily bitches or even sluts. They are douchebags. They are, by a landslide, my favorite people to make fun of. So let me begin.
Ok in past chapters I have vocalized my love for Facebook. This is a love that only competes with Lil Wayne, Bill O'Reilly and my beloved beloved red bull & vodka. I think it is a love that most people share with me but that few with admit. I also will agree it is a blessing and curse. Facebook makes girls look dumb, annoying, and psychotic, to put it mildly. Let me just touch on this subject for a little while: girls Facebook profiles. wHy Do GiRlS tHiNk iTs CoOl tO wRiTe LiKe ThIs??? Dude- how long does it effing take you to type your ENTIRE profile in that font??? and for what purpose other than to annoy the FUCK out of me??? One of my favorite things to do is to find douchebag girls profiles and copy and paste them onto my friends walls. This is something I invest way too much time in. These are the girls with constant status updates, ridiculously long list of interests, and lots of !!!!! and ***** in their profiles. I need to remove them as friends but I just cant. There is nothing than gives me greater joy than making fun of these girls. I have a few favorites so I will happily copy and paste them below and then proceed to make fun of them in the following paragraphs. One girl in particular is my favorite- but sadly, she has chosen to remove me from her Facebook friends. I think she caught on to the fact I was making fun of her after I posted her "The Knot" page on half of my friends walls. Don't worry though- I will get on my friends account because I cannot write an entire chapter about douchebag girls without writing about her.

Sorority Life

So I have never understood peoples prejudices about sororities.....
SIKE yes I did... its called jealously. Seriously my biggest pet peeve
(along with about 100 other things) is when people say that being in a
sorority means you have to "pay for your friends" Wow! You're sooooo
right!! I am sure 150 skinny, pretty, southern blonde girls really
cant find anyone to be their friends and need to pay 2000 a semester
for them. Let me let you in a little secret... we arent paying for our
friends... we are paying to not have to hang out with people like YOU.
I loved being in a sorority. I loved everything about it. So thats
why it really grinds my gears when people who clearly know nothing
about Greek life decide to put their 2 cents in. I have still yet to
see any movie that portrays sorority life even close to how it
actually is. I mean.... what the hell are these movies??? The House
Bunny!? If you have actually watched this please go jump off a
building. These producers/directors.. whatever.... have obviously
never ever been anywhere near any Greek establishment and have no idea
what it is about. And does anyone remember the show Sorority Life on
MTV? WHAT. THE. FUCK. umm last time I checked sororities had more than
9 members and no one had braces. I would like to talk more shit about
this show but I really dont remember anything else about it because I
refused to watch it.

Again, she is in the process of writing a book, and I know I will purchase it once it hits shelves. I was trying to read all 5 chapters on my blackberry yesterday while driving to Greenwood, and luckly there was nobody else on the road because I was occupying all lanes while laughing.

So lets just do a rehash of events over the past couple of weeks. Try to keep it kinda short as it has been 17 days since my last post.

Lets Start it with the song of the day:


So as a Memphian now, I was pleased to hear that Calapari left. Gah, the city of Memphis was literally on suicide watch. Every news channel was flying over his house in a chopper, people were standing in his front yard crying, holding signs begging him not to leave. They of course were sporting bad ass chin strap facial hair, baggy cargos, white kicks, a sweet as tiger tee and some killer pukas like they were scooped of MTV's Spring Break. So terrible, but it made my day seen Memphis put back in it's place. But in all fairness, I will say that I hope Josh Pastener, their new head coach does reasonably well because he is only 31 and seems like a good guy. But I still hate that school. A lot. Thank you coach Cal. For leaving Memphis.

New Raifords opened up a couple of weeks ago. Better believe I was there. I wasn't there for long, but there none the less. That night started pretty early, ole Sammy boy was intown and me Cass and Sam were watching Cocktail the movie and getting pretty marinated for the festivities. I was pounding Vodka Cranberries, (Im on my diet for all you naysayers, ps lost 31 lbs baby, since January 4) anyway we started taking shots at my house, and well you should know how this story ends. We get to raifords at like 10:30. Well this guy gets tuckered out and takes the trolly to main and auction, hops out and walks back to the house. Much better than the original raifords 5K of a month ago. Apparently I was overserved at my house, got a beer at raifords and just walked around like a lost dog, went upstairs to the loft area where some couches are, sat down and relaxed, i was just resting my eyes, geeezz. Well some girls took pictures of me moving my hands and arms in different directions, and pretty much making fun of me, which is ok. But I will say this is all alleged, and I am innocent until proven guilty and have not seen any of these pictures so I will pretend it didn't happen.

Well the following night, well I went to Oxford for the Ole baseball game. The Rebs were playing UK and Sam and I got there right at about 1:45pm. Set our chairs up in left, and headed to the square. We went to Funkys, the new daquri bar. Let me tell you, I knew from the get go when Sam ordered 3 tequilla shots within the hour that I was on "A highway to hell" (pretend that was the song) and indeed it was. We left, walked back to the game and pounded some cold brews. O did I mention, I didn't eat anything but about 2lbs of crawfish all day. Ha well, again, we know where this story ends. Another adventurous night. Game ends, Rebs win and also Sweep the series the following day. We go the the boom, boom room (library) and Cass is trying to tell me the importance of me going to Rib Cage with him. I disagree, and continue acting like a freshmen. Well again, alegedly I was "ridiculous" that night. Sorry I like to dance, have fun and party boy everyone.

But thats what happens after an all day boozefest, people buying me shots. At least I am a fun drunk right. Always look at the bright side folks. Anyway, the night went on, I was sweating like crazy, got seperated from the pack as usual. Buckel up folks, I got a ride to the Kappa Sig house to late night, O yea. I was that guy, forgive me to want to continue partying, anyway I proceeded to jump on the furniture, party boy more with some girls, sit outside until I decided to have one of the actives call a pledge for me to get a ride to a friends house, well maybe he decided for me. Anyway, the pledge comes up introduces himself as Pledge _____ we are driving down Jackson, and I make him pull over at Wendys. O yes, nothing like a little late night grub huh. Welcome to wendys how can I help you. Pledge asks what I want, I look over and see the double meat cheeseburger and fries, pass, ceasar salad......check. I want a ceasar salad. The pledge tells the lady, and I swear she thought we were crazy, Ceasar salad??? I was wasted faced and still had the self control to avoid a burger, what a billy bad ass. We pull up to the window to pay, he looks at me (pledge) sticks out his had, I look at him and say, o yea I don't have any money. My tab is still open at the bar. Whoopsies, ahhaa. I made him pay for my food. Well he drops me off where I tell him. I go up to the door, do the drunk knock and doorbell ring, you know the one where your ring and bang until someone answers. Well turns out I was at the wrong house. Guy opens the door, just a crack and says, "Ya, can I help you?" here I am with a Wendys bag, Madras shorts, sweat probably dripping off my head, so surely he didn't find me as a threat. I just looked and said, wheres Gant? He said, ugggggggggghhhh you got the wrong house. My bad. haha. Opps, I did it again, got lost in your.....(brit spears) what an idiot. O boy though. What a good weekend. You can't put a price on fun right.............

Couple new movies you need to check out this summer.....


http://www.thebrunomovie.com/

more after lunch......